Remember how in my last entry I mentioned that I needed a good rainy day or weekend to sort of justify my grouchiness and grumpiness? Then I hit publish thinking that wasn’t going to happen because you don’t get multiple rainy days here in Charleston – you get oppressively hot and bright days where the sun beats down on you and the humidity smothers your entire being then in the evening, you might get a really really good thunderstorm as the weather breaks but it’s always back to the same thing the next morning.
Except that following morning, I was startled awake by the sound of Baxter freaking out and of course, being the mama bear I am when it comes to the fur babies, I shot out of bed and ran through the house looking for him only to find him having a literal shit fit at the patio door because he had been caught in a torrential downpour. This is all fairly uncommon for him as not only has he NOT figured out to bark at the door when he’s ready to come in but he also seemed no where near as affected by thunderstorms and rain as Sammy, who cowers in fear if he hears a storm on TV.
Needless to say, I let him in and he skittered into our bed, nosing his way under the covers and up against me so he could calm down and get warm.
And I settled in for a nice and rainy day. And got two or three.
This of course, did nothing to life my mood and I spent pretty much the entire week grumpy and hating the world and feeling all dark and twisty inside. To the point where when Steve asked me on Friday, if I wanted to go on the boat with some friends, I couldn’t even muster up enough enthusiasm to make him believe the ‘Yes’ I politely gave him.
It’s HOT here y’all! And nothing about being on the boat or near the water would convince me that it would NOT be hot and I would actually be able to enjoy myself.
Fast forward to Saturday afternoon where we’re docked in the lake and I’m floating lazily in the water, aided by the small floatie that kept me anchored to the boat and getting the shit sunburnt out of me (even in my hair, y’all!) and I confess this to the group:
“You know, I’m glad I came out. It really didn’t appeal to me at all but now, I’m in a much better mood than I was.”
“See!” Steve replied gleefully, “I told you she didn’t want to come.”
“That’s ok,” our friend Amy replied. “I know she didn’t want to hang out with us anyway.”
“NO!” I was indigent. “It wasn’t that. I just didn’t want to be outside. But I couldn’t think of a good enough reason not to say yes.”
And that, ladies and gentleman, has been my downfall … and my joy.
I used to say no because I wanted to be lazy. Because nothing appealed to me more than sitting in my house, in my comfort zone, in the air conditioning (or the heat, depending on the season), curled up with my blanket, no makeup, wearing my yoga pants. I am a homebody at heart and it’s never anything personal against our friends, because I love spending time with them. I just usually hate the effort it takes to prepare to spend time with them.
But lately, I’ve said yes. I’ve stopped making excuses. Or tried, at least. I did have a lapse the past couple of weeks, which is why I did say yes to the boat. But since I started at the new job, I wanted to be a new person, the girl who has multiple groups of people she can turn to so I decided to just say yes when I was invited places. And because of that, I’ve become close with so awesome new people while not only retaining, but strengthening, my core group of friends.
And I love that! I just need to not let my homebody persona sneak back up as often because sometime, I think that leads to the grumpiness.
As a matter of fact, it’s still there today. I had an awful day at work, just busy, busy, busy and I felt like I was running all day long. I’m also fairly certain that subsisting on the Benadryl and Zyrtec diet that is allowing me to still enjoy the adorableness of my puppies (namely Baxter as he is the only one who seems to bother me) is jacking up my sleep schedule as I’ve felt I haven’t had a good night sleep in over a month. Add to that the awesomeness of PMS (sorry guys!) and I’m just one huge giant ball of dark and twisty inside.
Also, there were some small but overall awfully inconsiderate decisions I have made in relation to Steve and I’s relationship that have just made me feel the worst girlfriend in the world – so there’s that guilt eating away at me.
This is not all meant to be doom and gloom though and I guess my bitching about really seems like first world problems. I think I need to snap myself out of it – a lot of it is feeling like I’m stuck in a rut so maybe I need to make a point to find some small joy in life.
Maybe that’s what I’ll concentrate on this month. Finding the joy, the grace in small things if you will.
Some joy from today:
- The adventure of riding in a golf cart for the first time across campus with a friend from work who subsequently also had never ridden in one, let alone driven it.
- Leftover homemade chicken chili with cookies and cream ice cream for dessert.
- One of my favorite episode of Family Guy
- Caffeine Free Diet Coke
- This preview and knowing Jersey Shore is back on Thursday (cannot freaking wait!). Feel free to judge.
You know, that actually feels better!
Image found here.