Just Keep Livin’

There is a lot of chatter at work this morning and it’s a tad bit overwhelming, especially when it’s coming from multiple areas. It’s not uncommon because people come back from the weekend and spend the morning catching up. I could, in theory, shut my office door but I find that a tad rude and unaccommodating so I just popped my headphones in and turned Pandora up loud enough to shut it out.

I think I’m just in complete sensory overload after the crazy weekend we had. It was pretty much the exact opposite of last weekend. Instead of cocooning myself inside for two whole days, we had parties both Saturday and Sunday nights and at least one of those parties included my husband shotgunning beers, which I haven’t seen him do since our college days. As you can imagine, they were quite boisterous and rowdy times but completely worth it!

I also got to make my first Farmer’s Market visit on Saturday morning, which I enjoyed immensely. The abundance of fresh fruit and vegetables made my inner healthy girl jump for joy and I walked away with tomatoes, mini red potatoes, a pineapple, strawberries, blueberries, peaches and cherries. The strawberries, peaches and blueberries were used to make fruit salsa for the party we attended last night. (Note: I used the above mentioned fruits plus bananas and apples. I also omitted the extra sugars and used apricot preservers. And I bought cinnamon sugar pita chips instead of making my own, which I’ve done before and is worth it but super messy and time consuming!) The pineapple will be sliced tonight and used as a snack through the week, as will the cherries. I haven’t yet figured out what I’m going to do with the potatoes but I’m sure it won’t be that difficult since they’re delicious in any form. And the tomatoes will be used for various purposes since I’m so in love with them lately that they go into anything I can justify putting them in. I used them to make a delicious caprese salad on Saturday, with fresh mozzarella and balsamic vinaigrette dressing. It was so yummy!

I really need to go through my cabinets and refrigerator and take inventory. I have been a ridiculously awful homemaker these days. It never fails that if I’m on top of one thing, like laundry, everything else, like cleaning and dinner, falls behind. I haven’t made a decent meal plan in weeks and we have stuff in the kitchen that just needs to be used. I keep making last minute trips to the store and that gets expensive as well as cuts into my exercise schedule, which then makes me feel guilty because I’m skipping it to “run errands” when in reality, I’m using “errands” as an excuse.

I also woke up feeling sick this morning. I haven’t yet determined what it is. It’s either due to running myself ragged or allergies. Or the fact that I was drinking rum and cokes last night – on a SUNDAY, Y’ALL! And then I came home and forced myself to stay awake another hour because the premiere of Breaking Bad was on (ZOMG! SO AWESOME!). I’m really hoping it’s just an allergies type thing, something that isn’t an actual illness because I so don’t want to be sick.

At the same time, I’m not too happy about this allergy thing either. I’ve never had major issues until lately. It’s worse at home and in the mornings and I’m pretty sure it’s partly Baxter’s fault because I never experienced it until we brought him home. However, it’s worse this summer than it was last year when we got him. But I’m wondering if it’s also due to the fact that the house has been closed up like a cave since about April. The weather basically went right into humid and hot temperatures and we’ve had the air conditioning on with no breeze blowing through for a good three or four months. And the curtains are ALWAYS closed because Steve emphasizes how it keeps the house cool and while I GET IT, I HATE IT because I feel like I’m cooped up in a cave all summer. I’m aware I could just solve that by going outside but it’s freaking hot. And sometimes I just need some natural light and air in the house. Like, it’s my version of seasonal affective disorder only in the summer because it makes me antsy and sad if it’s always dark in the house.

Regardless, whatever it is that’s plaguing me needs to stop now. Guess it’s time to plan another weekend in to rest, to do some serious summer cleaning to our linens, drapes and the house in general and to just long for fall weather when I can throw the windows open and release some of the stagnant juju that’s just hanging dubiously in the house.

It has just been a bit rough the past few weeks for me personally. I’m struggling with where I want to be in this healthy lifestyle. I’m struggling with finding a balance between a social life and wanting to be a hermit.  I’m struggling with keeping up with the normal chores and trying to get the yearly decluttering done on the house.

I struggle with the fact that from the moment I wake up, my entire day feels task oriented. It’s just sometimes difficult to have to wake up knowing right off the bat that there are THINGS that NEED to be done. Dogs to be feed and let out, clothes to be picked out, makeup to be worn. And those tasks never stop. At work, there are reports to be run, charges to be checked, documents to be reviewed. Then I go home, and they’re still there. Dinner to be planned, chores to be done, dogs to be feed and paid attention to. I mean, it’s overwhelming sometimes and it makes me feel ridiculously guilty if they’re not getting done. And I don’t even have children so I can’t imagine how you REAL grownups handle it.

I also haven’t had a good night’s sleep in what feels like weeks, maybe months. I remember my mom used to mention that she didn’t want me coming in late because the noise would wake her and I never understood that. Well, now I do. Steve can sleep through anything. I mean, I’ve had actual conversations with him where he wakes up and looks alive and chats with me briefly and then doesn’t remember a word about it the next morning. On the other hand, I wake up at the drop of a hat. Last night, right after I had dozed off, I heard a weird noise that literally scared me awake. You know, where your heart races because you think someone’s in the house and then you spend the next two hours awake staring wide eyed at the ceiling. I grabbed Steve and whispered for him to wake up then felt like an idiot because I realized that it was just Sammy shifting in his bed.

But it’s anything, particularly in that hour after I fall asleep or the one before I’m supposed to wake up. And Baxter is part of the problem. I mean, I seriously love that dog to pieces but he insists on sleeping in the bed with us and he has to be curled up in a ball touching one of us. Lately, it’s been me. The problem is, he gets too hot under the covers, so he spends all night coming out from under the quilt then deciding he needs to snuggle again so he comes up and nuzzles to get under the blanket, which means he’s nosing to move my hand out of the way. This isn’t cute at 3am. And I know we could solve it by not letting him sleep with us but trust me when I say it’s more difficult than it seems it would be.

Also, Sammy is just as bad. He doesn’t sleep with us but he has his own little bed in a corner near Steve. Every time he shuffles around in it, I hear it. Every time he gets out of bed and clicks down the hall for water, I hear it. Every time it sounds remotely like rain or thunder, he climbs into bed and pants loudly. Last night, I swore I heard him licking himself and it was driving me crazy.

I think maybe I need to implement some kind of sensory block out routine. There are nights where I have to wear an eye mask because I can close my eyes and still see the glow from the alarm clock or the blue light on the TV. I don’t know how to do the sound thing – I can try headphones but they don’t stay in through the night. I thought about ear plugs but I’m also nervous about not being able to hear things I need. On one hand, the sensitivity to noise is a pain in the ass but I could see it serving a purpose when it’s needed since Steve just doesn’t hear things. I’m not even sure he’d wake up if the dogs started barking – he certainly doesn’t always hear them when they bark to be let out at six in the morning (whereas I’m instinctively out of bed and shuffling down the hall on autopilot).

I just think it comes down to me needing to get my shit together and restructure things. I’ve been lackluster in my schedule and in my normal daily chores and stuff. Perhaps if I can just get a better handle on them and make more of an effort, everything else will fall into place. At least I can hope so. Life overall is good so I really shouldn’t complain. It’s just I need to get that balance back – the one that lets me go out and have awesome weekends like the one we just had while knowing and being OK with the fact that my home life is together and stuff that needs to be done is done. It doesn’t have to be one hundred percent and I’m fully aware that it’s unrealistic to expect that, but it at least needs to be happening. It’s not happening right now and that’s a bit like the world being off it’s axis.

It is summertime though so perhaps I’m just falling prey to the lazy days and extended fun that comes wrapped into the season. While I can hope fall will bring a renewed sense of accomplishment, I’d like it to happen before then.

Long before then.

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